Rethinking Boundaries
Boundaries are often seen as shut-downs, rejections, or dislikes. However, how we perceive boundaries can vary greatly from person to person. In many cases, setting a boundary is actually an opportunity to allow someone to be part of our lives in a healthy and constructive way. Instead of thinking of boundaries as a simple “stop,” consider them as “road work ahead”—necessary adjustments that keep things moving smoothly. So, how can we explore this effectively? Let’s break it down.
Analyze the relationship, what are you getting out of it? What areas need attention?
Analyzing a relationship typically happens gradually over time, but we might also notice certain patterns in the moment of interacting with someone. Feelings like frustration, sadness, or even anger can become quite intense. It's helpful to pause, acknowledge these emotions and themes, and then decide how to move forward thoughtfully.
Do you want this person in your life? Or do you feel that it is time to move on?
Sometimes, we find ourselves at a crossroads in relationships—they can be complex, after all. It's important to recognize that boundaries are especially vital, particularly when safety is a concern. Saying no or shutting down communication can be a form of self-preservation, and it's essential to make that distinction clear. If you're contemplating staying in contact with someone, let's consider some questions to ask yourself to help clarify your feelings and boundaries.
Does this person contribute to this relationship? Is it a one-way street?
Does this person have the capacity to change? Are they aware of the potential problems that need fixing?
What would life look like without this person? Would this preserve my energy or would this feel like a major loss (you can feel both!)
Is there a feasible solution to the concern?
How do I communicate boundaries authentically and intentionally?
Finding the right time to address your concerns can be challenging. You might feel like there’s never an ideal moment or that taking that step is too difficult. Fortunately, there are helpful activities you can try. Let’s explore one together.
Create a Venn diagram with two circles: one side representing things or responses outside of your control, and the other side representing things within your control. In the center, where the two circles overlap, is the reality—the coexistence of both.
This activity can be very grounding, helping you realize that many things beyond your control are not your fault. Remember, we are not responsible for others’ reactions—only our own. You are entitled to feel your feelings in response to their behaviors. Recognizing this distinction can be very empowering, as it helps you identify what you can influence and reduce anxiety about what you cannot control.
What now?
We cannot control how a conversation unfolds, as there are two parties involved. However, we can influence the way we approach and participate in the discussion. Below, I’ll provide a simple guide to help you navigate this. It's important to remember that these points are meant to offer a supportive framework to foster comfort—conversations are naturally unpredictable. With this guide, you'll gain insight into how you might choose to communicate your inner thoughts and feelings.
Is now a good time to talk?
Asking if now is a good time shows consideration for the other person’s readiness. Sometimes, starting a conversation at the wrong moment can escalate the situation rather than help it unfold peacefully.
Share your intentions. What might this look like?
For example:
“I appreciate you being open to talk. Lately, I’ve been noticing certain feelings come up because of ____. I value our relationship, and I think it’s important that we both work together to improve the situation.”
Present the issue
Describe the concern and how it’s been affecting you. This step is crucial for clear communication about what needs to change.
Here’s a simple formula:
The problem + how it made you feel + areas for change = effective communication
Offer them space to respond
This aspect is important in every step of the conversation. It is incredibly important. While it’s natural to want to speak and be heard, true change often requires the effort and understanding of both people involved. Giving space for the other person to share their perspective or understanding of the issue can provide valuable insight. This understanding can help you determine what actions might be possible or whether the person is ready for change.
Offer potential solutions
After the thick of the conversation has passed, suggest ideas or adjustments that could help address your concern. It's important to evaluate whether it’s realistic and also mindful of the other person's feelings.
Implementing the solution
Setting a timeframe can be useful, but you might also consider regular check-ins to review how things are going and maintain mutual understanding. Over time, you'll be able to see whether things improve or evolve, and exploring those feelings further in therapy can be a valuable part of the process.
To Be Continued
These thoughts, conversations, and anxieties can feel quite overwhelming and polarizing. While this article may provide some helpful insights, having someone to talk to throughout this process can be truly transformative. In therapy, you can explore all of your thoughts with a trained professional and tailor your approach in a way that feels right for you. If you’re seeking that kind of support, I’d be happy to help. Things may not always go as planned, but I can empathize with needing insight on how to approach these difficult conversations. You’ve got this.